When Not To Hire A Coach
Some straightforward reasons
Let me be direct.
I want to teach you how to coach yourself.
It may sound a little zany, but I assure you I’m quite genuine about this. And the reasons are many.
It’s not sensible to always have a coach, not 24/7/365, so learning a basic framework for sleuthing out your own stuff is just common sense.
Even when you have a fabulous coach, a great coach-client relationship should aim for independence, and therefore one day will end. Will you feel equipped and empowered on that day? I think you can. It just calls for a little thinking through.
What about when you’re in a state of confusion? Because of your emotions, external pressure, the chaos of society, or a combination. It’s hard to be coherent much less use words with a coach when things are all a jumble. Better be equipped to coach yourself in that case, yes?
However the most compelling reason to learn how to coach yourself is because you, and only you, can be the best, most trustworthy person about yourself.
That may not always feel true, and that’s another reason for this class. Getting through your mental clutter so you can trust yourself more, and being able to rely on that process, is one of the most rewarding things I’ve seen a human do. (And yes, I’m also talking about myself!)
When you get stronger in your relationship to yourself, you get better at expressing your needs and dreams. Then you can have better external relationships and outcomes. Even your coaching - with a coach that’s not you - will get better!
There’s lots more to say about this. How to coach yourself is a skill, and I will be back with more on the topic.
For now…let’s talk about When Not To Hire A Coach: The Straight Goods
Before diving in, let me address the elephant in the room. Clearly, I’m a coach, and I am a proponent of great coaching.
However, after more than 20 years of private coaching, I can vouch for this: there are excellent times to hire a coach, TERRIBLE times to hire a coach, and, in between times, too. And because I can’t help it, I want to help you (coach you?) to see this clearly and make the right choice for you. Here are eight reasons not to hire a coach:
(1) When You Don’t Know What You Want
Getting help when you’re unclear, or uncertain can be a good idea, but, if you have very little idea what you want, no amount of coaching, no matter how great it is, is going to help. Save your investment and wait until you’re at least a little clear about what you don’t want. That’s often easier to be clear about, at first.
(2) When You’re In Financial Strain
It’s possible to get results quickly from coaching. But it’s not without risks. Do an objective assessment of the coach’s chops, your ability to go beyond your comfort zone, circumstances and people around you, technical knowledge, timing, etc. Is there a more straightforward way to dial down your money pressure than coaching? Do that first. If coaching IS the best bet, okay, but think it through first.
(3) When You’re Pre-verbal
Traditional coaching is verbal. If you’re in a state of not being able to describe things well, you’re not ready for a coach. Being in a state of knowing something important is happening, or out there, but not being able to describe it is special, a kind of sacred liminal space. Take time, whether in nature, in somatic and spiritual practices, try non-verbal reflection like stone-mapping or art therapy, and like a seed waiting to germinate, allow.
(4) When You’re Hyper-verbal
Confession - when a new coach tells me they have a client who won’t stop talking, it’s a flag. Not that it’s bad, it can be good, provided the coach is capable of inserting guidance and moving the session forward. Sometimes though, the person just needs to vent, and there’s no need to pay a coach for that. Even verbal processors should come to coaching to hear the coach talk at least some of the time. Sort it out a bit, then come back to coaching.
(5) When You Want a Yes-Person
If you’re looking for someone to agree with you, or bolster your ego, or a position you’re attached to, you’re not looking for a coach, you’re looking for a lackey, or minion. Coaching should be challenging and uncomfortable to some of your defaults, and you shouldn’t hire a coach if you not ready to yield to that. (P.S. Coach? Try not to take on clients like this.)
(6) When You’re Super Fragile
I like to say, on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most fragile it’s possible for a human to be, if you’re more than a 7 more often than not, try a therapist instead of, or at least alongside hiring a coach. Rushing to create outcomes, pretending things are okay when they’re not, these things can harm more than help. Take a moment for yourself before setting off on a coaching adventure. You will be richer for it.
(7) When You Can’t Find a Coach Who Resonates
Trust and intimacy are an indelible part of coaching, and it’s hard to have either if you and the coach get along like a bag of hammers, knocking around at each other unpleasantly. You might say, ‘it’s better than having no coach,’ but that’s not true. Coaching at best has harmony, rhythm, drive, a spark. Like music. If you don’t get a yes, say no. It may seem illogical, but this is about a match, and not every match is worth the effort.
(8) When You’re Not Going to Listen
Look, coaching is often not a small investment. You wouldn’t buy a beautiful new phone and then never use it, right? In a similar way, don’t hire a coach if you’re not going to listen to what comes out of your coaching. It’ll save both you and the coach light years of angst.
A word about getting high ROI from your coaching…
On the flip side, clients who enter coaching actively seeking new ways to be, who are delighted to try new things, who egg their coach on to lean in more, to go deep, take them to transformational places? Invariably, they’re the ones who get the most ROI on coaching and are the happiest clients.
And there’s the rub, isn’t it. Return on investment.
I tell you what. Selfishly, I want for all the coaching clients in the world to have the most delightful, thorough, rich, and lasting experiences of coaching that their return on investment is yell-from-the-top-of-the-roof undeniable. Which is where the above list may, I think be handy. If you avoid doing those eight things, you’re in a good place to start looking for a coach and…to make the most of it.
P.S. If you already have a coach, you might see what you can do to up the ante with them. Start with something like, “So I’ve been thinking about how to make our coaching sessions even more awesome and I was wondering if we could talk about that…”